My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
another moral hangover. fuck.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
