if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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