So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
