I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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