for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Randomize
