Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You ruined the universe
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
