I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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