I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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