I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
