would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
