Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think a kid would responsible me up
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
