just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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