Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Holy sore nipples Batman
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
