the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
