Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
