At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize