I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
