Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize