Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I still have a little drunk in my system
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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