So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
