if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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