I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
