soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I am available for nakedness
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
