ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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