If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
