i just had sex bonerless
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
