he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize