My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
