the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
