I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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