My sheets look like a crime scene.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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