We named our party play list daddy issues
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
