my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
