im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
