I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
