my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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