I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it's not cheating when I paid for it
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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