I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
