apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
