Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
