i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
