just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
