Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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