if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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