Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
