What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
