If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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