seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize