I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
