So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
