I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
