It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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