I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
