I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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