My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
