I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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