I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
