turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Come share oat with me in your robe
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
