rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
