I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
