We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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