somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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