Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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